Crazy

This thing is driving me nuts.

I feel a teeny bit upset every time I checked my email. There is no notification of any sort that has come in. Ok. Upset is incorrect. Cause I feel much more than that.

Sometimes I get irritated. I mean, hello.. what is these people doing. I thought they need people? Sometimes I get this unwanted feeling. Am I that worthless? Sometimes I get annoyed. I compared myself to some random people. Am I a least capable person than who they are?

Then I gave up feeling. Because they are worthless and not to mention useless. I wanted them more than they wanted me. So I continue searching. Looking. Hunting.

It’s almost like running out of air while scuba diving. My tank is empty. I’m calling out for help. I did everything I remembered them teaching me. My hand signal and everything. But my vision gets blur. But then again I continue doing what I can to draws attention. Problem is: Will someone save me? If someone does, will they take me out of this place where I can no longer breathe? Or will they simply hand me their extra regulator?

Only God knows.

And the cycle begins by itself all over again.

The Many First

I made it. I am so proud.

Crossroads

You were so determined in getting the job. You pushed yourself hard throughout uni days. Keep reminding yourself life will be great, if not amazing once you get that prestigious job. With a no-nonsense mind striving for success, your friends start jokingly terming you boring. But you do not mind, because your mind was clouded with only that job as a goal.

Then your heart breaks, when a course mate told you she already got that job, even before she graduates. You’ve gone a little fanatic over it. You start applying for every other alternative. Attending every other interviews. Just to feel you are still wanted, somewhere, somehow.

Job offers start hitting you, left, right, front, back, centre, but not the one you’ve wanted from the very beginning. Bowing to fate, you accepted one. But you are not happy, kept thinking you deserves better things, so you keep on wishing and praying.

And then the phone rings, it’s them. And almost immediately they offered you the job. The job you have wanted all these while.

After being extremely enthusiastic about getting into the job, you pushed yourself to accomplish the great things you’ve always thought about. You have gone out of the way to blend in with the colleagues. You got into the pace and norm like the rest of them. Their culture seems like your culture. Long hours are normal. A weekend of personal time is luxuries.

It feels almost like jumping into rapids. After struggling for a while to find how it flows, you get comfortable. You are able to start to follow its pace and direction. You follow how the water carries you. Every drop and every bend as if you were a part of this huge movement of water that doesn't stop but just keeps moving, moving and moving!

Three years down the line, you pop your head out of the water. You look around and questions start coming. How did I get here? Is this where I want to be? If I get out of the water now, will I be able to find my ways around?

Sometimes I wonder...

Why do people have to do peace sign when they want to take a photo?

Why do people wear boots in Malaysia? And no, I do not mean Pua Chu Kang signature yellow boots but leather/ flurry boots.

Why can’t some people speak up or at a very minimal talk? Like do gold really drop off their mouth? Silent really kills me. However they survived amazed me.

Why money does not fall down from the sky?

Why does Monday always come?

Why do I have to work?

Why don’t we have three months holiday like in uni days anymore? We surely worked harder now than in uni days, don’t we deserves them more?

Why is it so hard to find a job your want?

Why do hairstylists always cut my bangs straight?

Why am I so short?

Do you know what is "less than 3"?

I found out that my sister has a blog. When I checked it out, the first picture I see was my pappy’s photo. The photo is damn funny. When I first look at it on hard copy I nearly fainted – due to obsessive laughter. It was so heavily edited I thought my pappy has travelled the time machine and gone back 30 years. Seriously, you all should check it out at my sister’s blog. I dare not post it up again because my pappy is so killing me if he finds out. At least now only my sister will die. Wahhahaha.. And I will get all her money. Wahhahaha..

Wait. That was not the funniest part when I check out my sister’s blog. So I continued to scroll down and read her blog.. where she talks about her boring life and more boring life.

Then I came across this --> <3

Me: Eh what is negative 3?

Him: Huh?

Me: Oh I mean what is less than 3?

Him: *laughes non-stop he nearly rolled off my bed*

Me: What?!??!!?

He turn the screen 90 degrees and draws out the heart shape using his hand. Gosh. I am so stupid. Wahahahahah.. I laughed so hard my face turned lobster red.

Well, at least now I know.

Quarterly Review pt.1

Blink blink. It’s already the end of March. One quarter of 2009 gone. So fast. And I thought I was planning what to do for Christmas 2008 just yesterday.

I would not say a lot has changed, since I’m still doing the same old dirty job. Working hours still seems long and weekends still seems wayyyyyyy too short.

I would not say nothing has changed as well. In these three months, I have for the first time,
- Stayed in a hotel all by myself for one whole freaking month already. More to come apparently.
- Traveled in my little car alone. With no one to talk to. No one to help me drive. It’s a little scary at first but I got used to it after an hour or two.
- Eaten alone. All by myself. Okie no big deal for lots of people but big deal for me. Sitting in a mamak stall eating alone, I really feel very alone. The stares make it worst. I cannot eat my nasi kandar without thinking the guy sitting across me is marking me and so going to follow me and kill me when I walk to the car park. But just like driving, I got used to it after a few times.
- Crossed the road alone. I cannot cross road. I always feel that cars will come and bang, I’ll die. I still cannot get used to crossing the road.
- Did banking alone. Nope not online banking. Real banking. Gosh, it was scary okie? People might just come and chop off your hand when all you might be carrying in your purse is merely RM100. Okie. I sound like paranoid psycho bitch. But it is a dangerous world.

Okie. Got to continue working. Continue another day.

What's your level?

I almost forgot.. it’s my birthday soon. Another year older, another year wiser they claimed. Great. So since I am going to be 25, I should have at least reached level 25 in wise-ness. Hmm.. level 25. I wonder how we measure that.

But wait a minute, what if I don’t feel or think that I am 25. Honestly, when strangers asked how old I am, I always, and I mean ALWAYS, take a second or two to count how old I am. I feel like I’ve left high school not that long ago but when I count, holy cow, it’s been looooong.. So, if I fail to feel 25, does that mean my level of wise-ness also fail? Crap.

For your information, I am not, I repeat, NOT a kiddo. Just because I am shorter than average and on the smaller size, I am still a grown-up :P