Crazy

This thing is driving me nuts.

I feel a teeny bit upset every time I checked my email. There is no notification of any sort that has come in. Ok. Upset is incorrect. Cause I feel much more than that.

Sometimes I get irritated. I mean, hello.. what is these people doing. I thought they need people? Sometimes I get this unwanted feeling. Am I that worthless? Sometimes I get annoyed. I compared myself to some random people. Am I a least capable person than who they are?

Then I gave up feeling. Because they are worthless and not to mention useless. I wanted them more than they wanted me. So I continue searching. Looking. Hunting.

It’s almost like running out of air while scuba diving. My tank is empty. I’m calling out for help. I did everything I remembered them teaching me. My hand signal and everything. But my vision gets blur. But then again I continue doing what I can to draws attention. Problem is: Will someone save me? If someone does, will they take me out of this place where I can no longer breathe? Or will they simply hand me their extra regulator?

Only God knows.

And the cycle begins by itself all over again.

Crossroads

You were so determined in getting the job. You pushed yourself hard throughout uni days. Keep reminding yourself life will be great, if not amazing once you get that prestigious job. With a no-nonsense mind striving for success, your friends start jokingly terming you boring. But you do not mind, because your mind was clouded with only that job as a goal.

Then your heart breaks, when a course mate told you she already got that job, even before she graduates. You’ve gone a little fanatic over it. You start applying for every other alternative. Attending every other interviews. Just to feel you are still wanted, somewhere, somehow.

Job offers start hitting you, left, right, front, back, centre, but not the one you’ve wanted from the very beginning. Bowing to fate, you accepted one. But you are not happy, kept thinking you deserves better things, so you keep on wishing and praying.

And then the phone rings, it’s them. And almost immediately they offered you the job. The job you have wanted all these while.

After being extremely enthusiastic about getting into the job, you pushed yourself to accomplish the great things you’ve always thought about. You have gone out of the way to blend in with the colleagues. You got into the pace and norm like the rest of them. Their culture seems like your culture. Long hours are normal. A weekend of personal time is luxuries.

It feels almost like jumping into rapids. After struggling for a while to find how it flows, you get comfortable. You are able to start to follow its pace and direction. You follow how the water carries you. Every drop and every bend as if you were a part of this huge movement of water that doesn't stop but just keeps moving, moving and moving!

Three years down the line, you pop your head out of the water. You look around and questions start coming. How did I get here? Is this where I want to be? If I get out of the water now, will I be able to find my ways around?

I Have No Freaking Idea

One of the few things I find it really hard to do is to say sorry. “I’m sorry.” The words just won’t come. I’m not talking about those “I’m sorry I accidentally knocked onto you” kind of sorry. I am talking about those “serious sorry”.

I have no idea why. Would it be my ego? Or would it be my stubbornness? Or would it be my… I have no freaking idea.

Sigh. I am not proud of it. I am learning. Please bear with me.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps

Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll be driving around in an expensive imported car,
But today I’m being driven around in a local car,

Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll be seeing wonders of the world,
But today I’m seeing wonders of Penang,

Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll inherit millions of dollars,
But today I’m making a living all by myself,

Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll be able to wash the dishes, clean the table,
But today I've got him to do the honor,

Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll be spoilt with designer goods,
But today I’ve decent clothing to put on everyday,

Perhaps tomorrow, we’ll be skipping round Disneyland Florida,
But today we’ll skips around Disneyland Hong Kong,

Perhaps tomorrow, we’ll be cuddling inside while it snows outside,
But today we’ll just cuddle while the air con is blasting,

Perhaps tomorrow, we’ll quarrel less and appreciate each other more,
But today we’ll just laughed ourselves silly over what we’ve quarrel about.

Yesterday is History.Tomorrow is a Mystery, and Today is a gift.
That's why we call it the Present.


Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

Self reflect, I should.

Honestly, do I really have the I-am-a-bitch-full-stop look?

I am pretty sure it is not the way I looked because some people actually commented that I look sweet. Okie. Choke all you want Lil Boy.

Now that I even quit smoking, I am pretty sure I don’t look like a bitch. Don’t get me wrong. I do not associate smoking with bitches. Just that I realized lots of people does. They stereotyped smokers, especially girl smokers.

So, it must be the way I talked. It is my sarcasms? Or is it my thunder-loud voice? Or the way I say it? Or how I snapped at others?

At times, I am simply being cheeky. At times, I can’t help sounding louder than I am supposed to. At time, I am having a bad mood. At times, I am simply being frank. Sigh.

I’m not a bitch. I am difficult I admit. But I am not a bitch.

Self reflect, I should.