Christmas Mood

Christmas is one month away. I am excited like hell. I cannot wait for Christmas to come about. I even bought my Christmas dress already. I don’t care. I am going to wear it on Christmas. Even if it means wearing it at home facing the four walls, I must still wear my Christmas dress.

I’ve been humming Christmas songs like a kid for the whole freaking weekend. I got annoyed when shops and eateries don’t play Christmas songs. Why are they playing sad heartbroken songs when it’s such a festive to celebrate?

Frosty the snowman,
was a jolly happy soul,
with a corncob pipe and a button nose,
and two eyes made out of coal…

Ok. You got the idea
I am not a Christian. I just *heart* Christmas.

I am that mad.

Oh-So-Random

I just got back from my company trip in Phuket. So coincidentally, when we were there, there were some commotions in the Airport. Apparently the local news made quite a hoo-hah about it but honestly, it was rather peaceful in Patong area itself. Shrugs. My daddy was super worried because of the news and he was not able to reach me as my phone ran out of batteries. Amazing how everything can be so coincidental. Hmmp..

I saw someone without her usual make-up one day. Bloody hell. Scared the hell out of me. She looks horrible.

I dreamt that I lost my phone again. Gosh. The feeling is scary man.

Talking about my phone, I was trying to clean up some old messages on my phone the other day and I read some of my old messages. Some people can be very pretentious. So fake that it scares me. Sigh. I am still speechless. I wonder what they feel sometimes.

Talking about dream, I dreamt that He’s going to get married. To his ex-girlfriend. I was so angry in my dream okie? But I think about it now, I think it’s so so so funny. Wahahahha..

He thinks that I have weird dream all the time.

I found out a friend of mine has a blog. Weird blog. So weird. Yet so funny.

I met Dr. Jason’s girlfriend. Hongkies. But she speaks good English. I am impressed. And she’s not stuck up. Nice girl. I like her.

My harddisk sort of crashed. I found out that I actually have 30GB of pictures. Eh, I didn’t take all of them okie? Some I copied from my friends. Some are pure rubbish pictures. Yes, I know, it’s still damn a lot of pictures. And yes I get it. I am full of crap. I know I know.

W.H.Y.

There are times, like today, that I will ask God the many “whys” I have. Yes I know I do not have a religion and yes I know I am an atheist but believe it or not I believe the existence of God.

And yet, without fail, every single time when I asked a question, I’ll fell really bad after that. How can I be so not thankful? Where have I learned to be so not content?

And I recall the words of my parents, my friends, and everyone that matters to me. And I tell myself, how can I disappoint them? For they have taught me so much. How can I be disappointing the people who matters to me when it was the people who I do not give a shit about who is annoying the hell out of me.

Then I tell myself. Stop whining. Stop it. It’ll be over before you know it.

There are extents where I tell myself, everyone has to go through some down to appreciate the ups in life. Or else life will be monotonous and we would not appreciate the beauty in life.

Of course there’s the usual, it’s okie girl, you are strong. You can handle that.

However I have not stopped asking why. I do not know why. I want it to stop badly for the guilt will hit me hard.

Hope. Faith. Love. I have them. Tell me why I still ache inside.

The Friday Morning

7.50am – Wake up.
Shit. This is late. Quickly called to wake him up and the run to bathroom.

8.00am – Stone in front of wardrobe.
This is usual. I always do it without knowing it and only come to realized it after three or five minutes has passed.

8.10am – He’s in front of my house.
I’m still not fully dressed. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. Must be the stoning in front of the wardrobe part. DAMN.

8.20am – Hop into car.

8.40am – Reach office.
He called the colleague he’s supposed to pick up to the store. Colleague didn’t answer the phone. I told him to wait for a while and I’ll go up to get him.

8.45am – Put down my bag and saw the colleague he’s supposed to pick up.
I walked over to where colleague was standing. Colleague is in office attire. Colleague is supposed to get to the store (read: colleague is supposed to be in Tshirt and Jeans). This is how our conversation goes,
Me: Hey, how come you are in office attire? (I speak very politely, really)
Colleague: (Ignored me)
Me: I thought in the timetable I sent you, you are supposed to be in store today. (I still speak politely)
Colleague: Nobody tells me anything. (Without looking at me and the tone sound irritated)
Me: What do you mean? The timetable is set. Plus I tried calling you many times yesterday. Which you failed to pick up and also failed return my calls. (I must admit my voice is a little indifferent now. Not rude. Not rising. Just indifferent)
Colleague: I’m busy clearing some stuff yesterday. (Point to screen) Anyway, nobody give me instructions or anything or what to do. (Without looking at me and tone sound irritated STILL)
Me: Well, if you answer or return my calls, I would be able to tell you right? Plus the team is already in the store. (Me stating the obvious to a dumb ass. read: my voice is already starting to rise)
Colleague: I’m busy clearing some stuff yesterday. (He repeated in annoyance as if he’s the one talking to a dumb ass)
Me: Fine. Let me know when you are free then. (Voice rise, obviously)
Colleague: (Ignored me again)

8.55am – Call him and tell him not to wait.

9.00am – Walk to staircase. Call Auntie and tell her what happened. This is how our conversation goes,
Me: Colleague not coming.
Auntie: Why?
Me: (Explain the whole conversation)
Auntie: So you get stressed up every morning?
Me: Yea. Sorta
Auntie: Rise. Rise. Rise. (I heard her smile as she says this)
Me: He’s ignoring me.
Auntie: You only la.. (I heard her snicker as she says this)
Me: Yea okie. Got to go. (I hung up the phone)

9.10am – Call him again.
He picked up and at the same time, tears are streaming down. Then I started crying uncontrollably. So much that I don’t even understand what I am saying. So much that I’m sure my make-up will be gone. So much that I think everyone who sees me later is going to know that I’m a cry baby. Yet I can’t seem to stop crying.
I do not know why I am so upset. Is it the part where I did not get the respect I deserves as a human? Or the part where I get no cooperation from everyone? Or the part where I can’t seem to finish this job? Or the part where I can’t do a simple (that’s what everyone thinks) admin job? Or the part where I felt like a total absolute loser? Or the part that I felt that if I cannot do an admin job, how can I do an audit job well? Or is it I’m not even upset? Maybe I’m simply frustrated. Boiled up till I cried?
Whatever it is. I do not know why I reacted this way. I am not a cry baby. I do not cracked under pressure. I am strong. I yelled I screamed but crying is not my thing. I don’t cry right? I am so strong. Right? Right? Right?

9.20am – I call Auntie back because I hear a beep of incoming call just now.
Auntie picked up the phone and yelled at me for hanging up her call just now. I simply denied it and try not to sound shaky. Wrong move. Everyone knows I talk more that a simple “Yes” or “No”. So she continues talking to me and shakier my voice become. And yes. I continued crying. She knows I cried. I’m screwed. So screwed.

There you go. The Friday morning I screwed.

Thank you for hearing me cry. Hugs.

Karma

Karma. It has its way back at you. Almost certain.

Something happened. Something I laughed and criticized about when it happens to other people. Something I tell the people around me how disgusting and annoying it is. The same thing I thought it will never happen to me. The same thing I thought will never happen to my friends.

But it does. It happened. Images and the thought of it have been replaying in my bloody head the whole day. I cannot get it out of my head. I see flash images now and then. And when I do not see images I heard voices. I get disgusted as every minute passed by. There are a few time that I get nauseous when I see a slightly clearer image. I cannot concentrate. I cannot focus.

I do not even know who to tell. Hence I am writing it down hoping it will stay here. And out of my mind. When I got to know about it, I was so shocked and disgusted I do not even know who to call. Who to talk to. I just dial. The person I was talking to before that. He’s not my closest friend. He’s not my boyfriend. He’s not my family. Weird. So weird.

Yet I am not angry. I am not disappointed. I am not bitter. Actually, I do not even know what I am feeling.

I am speechless.

Yucks!