W.H.Y.

There are times, like today, that I will ask God the many “whys” I have. Yes I know I do not have a religion and yes I know I am an atheist but believe it or not I believe the existence of God.

And yet, without fail, every single time when I asked a question, I’ll fell really bad after that. How can I be so not thankful? Where have I learned to be so not content?

And I recall the words of my parents, my friends, and everyone that matters to me. And I tell myself, how can I disappoint them? For they have taught me so much. How can I be disappointing the people who matters to me when it was the people who I do not give a shit about who is annoying the hell out of me.

Then I tell myself. Stop whining. Stop it. It’ll be over before you know it.

There are extents where I tell myself, everyone has to go through some down to appreciate the ups in life. Or else life will be monotonous and we would not appreciate the beauty in life.

Of course there’s the usual, it’s okie girl, you are strong. You can handle that.

However I have not stopped asking why. I do not know why. I want it to stop badly for the guilt will hit me hard.

Hope. Faith. Love. I have them. Tell me why I still ache inside.

The Friday Morning

7.50am – Wake up.
Shit. This is late. Quickly called to wake him up and the run to bathroom.

8.00am – Stone in front of wardrobe.
This is usual. I always do it without knowing it and only come to realized it after three or five minutes has passed.

8.10am – He’s in front of my house.
I’m still not fully dressed. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. Must be the stoning in front of the wardrobe part. DAMN.

8.20am – Hop into car.

8.40am – Reach office.
He called the colleague he’s supposed to pick up to the store. Colleague didn’t answer the phone. I told him to wait for a while and I’ll go up to get him.

8.45am – Put down my bag and saw the colleague he’s supposed to pick up.
I walked over to where colleague was standing. Colleague is in office attire. Colleague is supposed to get to the store (read: colleague is supposed to be in Tshirt and Jeans). This is how our conversation goes,
Me: Hey, how come you are in office attire? (I speak very politely, really)
Colleague: (Ignored me)
Me: I thought in the timetable I sent you, you are supposed to be in store today. (I still speak politely)
Colleague: Nobody tells me anything. (Without looking at me and the tone sound irritated)
Me: What do you mean? The timetable is set. Plus I tried calling you many times yesterday. Which you failed to pick up and also failed return my calls. (I must admit my voice is a little indifferent now. Not rude. Not rising. Just indifferent)
Colleague: I’m busy clearing some stuff yesterday. (Point to screen) Anyway, nobody give me instructions or anything or what to do. (Without looking at me and tone sound irritated STILL)
Me: Well, if you answer or return my calls, I would be able to tell you right? Plus the team is already in the store. (Me stating the obvious to a dumb ass. read: my voice is already starting to rise)
Colleague: I’m busy clearing some stuff yesterday. (He repeated in annoyance as if he’s the one talking to a dumb ass)
Me: Fine. Let me know when you are free then. (Voice rise, obviously)
Colleague: (Ignored me again)

8.55am – Call him and tell him not to wait.

9.00am – Walk to staircase. Call Auntie and tell her what happened. This is how our conversation goes,
Me: Colleague not coming.
Auntie: Why?
Me: (Explain the whole conversation)
Auntie: So you get stressed up every morning?
Me: Yea. Sorta
Auntie: Rise. Rise. Rise. (I heard her smile as she says this)
Me: He’s ignoring me.
Auntie: You only la.. (I heard her snicker as she says this)
Me: Yea okie. Got to go. (I hung up the phone)

9.10am – Call him again.
He picked up and at the same time, tears are streaming down. Then I started crying uncontrollably. So much that I don’t even understand what I am saying. So much that I’m sure my make-up will be gone. So much that I think everyone who sees me later is going to know that I’m a cry baby. Yet I can’t seem to stop crying.
I do not know why I am so upset. Is it the part where I did not get the respect I deserves as a human? Or the part where I get no cooperation from everyone? Or the part where I can’t seem to finish this job? Or the part where I can’t do a simple (that’s what everyone thinks) admin job? Or the part where I felt like a total absolute loser? Or the part that I felt that if I cannot do an admin job, how can I do an audit job well? Or is it I’m not even upset? Maybe I’m simply frustrated. Boiled up till I cried?
Whatever it is. I do not know why I reacted this way. I am not a cry baby. I do not cracked under pressure. I am strong. I yelled I screamed but crying is not my thing. I don’t cry right? I am so strong. Right? Right? Right?

9.20am – I call Auntie back because I hear a beep of incoming call just now.
Auntie picked up the phone and yelled at me for hanging up her call just now. I simply denied it and try not to sound shaky. Wrong move. Everyone knows I talk more that a simple “Yes” or “No”. So she continues talking to me and shakier my voice become. And yes. I continued crying. She knows I cried. I’m screwed. So screwed.

There you go. The Friday morning I screwed.

Thank you for hearing me cry. Hugs.

Karma

Karma. It has its way back at you. Almost certain.

Something happened. Something I laughed and criticized about when it happens to other people. Something I tell the people around me how disgusting and annoying it is. The same thing I thought it will never happen to me. The same thing I thought will never happen to my friends.

But it does. It happened. Images and the thought of it have been replaying in my bloody head the whole day. I cannot get it out of my head. I see flash images now and then. And when I do not see images I heard voices. I get disgusted as every minute passed by. There are a few time that I get nauseous when I see a slightly clearer image. I cannot concentrate. I cannot focus.

I do not even know who to tell. Hence I am writing it down hoping it will stay here. And out of my mind. When I got to know about it, I was so shocked and disgusted I do not even know who to call. Who to talk to. I just dial. The person I was talking to before that. He’s not my closest friend. He’s not my boyfriend. He’s not my family. Weird. So weird.

Yet I am not angry. I am not disappointed. I am not bitter. Actually, I do not even know what I am feeling.

I am speechless.

Yucks!

Why Do We Have 26 Alphabets?

Alphabets make me angry.
Alphabets make me bawl.
Alphabets make me cuckoo.
Alphabets make me depressed.
Alphabets make me excruciating.

Alphabets make me faint.
Alphabets make me grumpy.
Alphabets make me horrific.
Alphabets make me ill-tempered.
Alphabets make me jumpy.

Alphabets make me KO.
Alphabets make me livid.
Alphabets make me miserable.
Alphabets make me nuts.
Alphabets make me work overtime.

Alphabets make me puke.
Alphabets make me quiet.
Alphabets make me rant and rave.
Alphabets make me speechless.
Alphabets make me tumble.

Alphabets make me unbearable.
Alphabets make me vulnerable.
Alphabets make me worry.
Alphabets make me X.
Alphabets make me yell.
Alphabets make me zombie.

My job is soooooooooo FUN! Yay!

Disclaimer: The story you are about to read was created based on my imagination and is not suitable for those self adsorbed. You have been warned.

I work in a modeling agency. I am surrounded by beautiful people. Girls with legs that reached their neck and guys with eyes so sexy that will make me faint by simply looking at them.

Our Public Relation Director is the coolest women I’ve ever met. She walks into the office at 12pm everyday (while my boss comes in round 8.30am) and everyone else sort of has to bow at her. She even has a private jet to bring her to everywhere she wants to go. And of course she’s sleeping with the hottest model around. Rumor has it that she’s also sleeping with another hottie from another modeling agency. Hmmp.. I guess that’s what PR is all about.

Our Fashion Police Department is lead by the moodiest guy I’ve ever met. Geez.. I thought only girls PMS. This guy PMS 24/7. His mood swing has actually caused this girl to cry once when all the girl wanted to do was to do her job. Poor girl. Apparently, he’s even harsher to guys. I heard he kicked this guy out of the company because he wears the same beige pants for two days in a row. Sigh. I never want to be near him. Just in case he roars.

Our Bimbo Director (yes we have a Bimbo Department) is of course the most bimbo women I’ve ever met. The position says it all.

We even have a bar in our office. And of course we need a bartender for that. But our bartender prefer to be called a mixologist. Ok, whatever makes you happy mate! He has this thing against the CCC. He once made this cocktail for a CCC that caused ugly blonde streaks on her hair. But no worries, the CCC thought it was so cool that she’s made no effort to look for a remedy. Well, what do you expect from a CCC. Thank God I’m not one of them or how am I going to get my daily fix of orange juice everyday. Hehehe..

My job is soooooooooo FUN! Yay!

This entry is to be continued as I am lazy to type now.