Evil Green Cow

Crazy

2009-07-16T10:36:00.001+08:00

This thing is driving me nuts.

I feel a teeny bit upset every time I checked my email. There is no notification of any sort that has come in. Ok. Upset is incorrect. Cause I feel much more than that.

Sometimes I get irritated. I mean, hello.. what is these people doing. I thought they need people? Sometimes I get this unwanted feeling. Am I that worthless? Sometimes I get annoyed. I compared myself to some random people. Am I a least capable person than who they are?

Then I gave up feeling. Because they are worthless and not to mention useless. I wanted them more than they wanted me. So I continue searching. Looking. Hunting.

It’s almost like running out of air while scuba diving. My tank is empty. I’m calling out for help. I did everything I remembered them teaching me. My hand signal and everything. But my vision gets blur. But then again I continue doing what I can to draws attention. Problem is: Will someone save me? If someone does, will they take me out of this place where I can no longer breathe? Or will they simply hand me their extra regulator?

Only God knows.

And the cycle begins by itself all over again.

The Many First

2009-06-12T17:16:00.003+08:00

I made it. I am so proud.

Crossroads

2009-06-08T12:30:00.004+08:00

You were so determined in getting the job. You pushed yourself hard throughout uni days. Keep reminding yourself life will be great, if not amazing once you get that prestigious job. With a no-nonsense mind striving for success, your friends start jokingly terming you boring. But you do not mind, because your mind was clouded with only that job as a goal.

Then your heart breaks, when a course mate told you she already got that job, even before she graduates. You’ve gone a little fanatic over it. You start applying for every other alternative. Attending every other interviews. Just to feel you are still wanted, somewhere, somehow.

Job offers start hitting you, left, right, front, back, centre, but not the one you’ve wanted from the very beginning. Bowing to fate, you accepted one. But you are not happy, kept thinking you deserves better things, so you keep on wishing and praying.

And then the phone rings, it’s them. And almost immediately they offered you the job. The job you have wanted all these while.

After being extremely enthusiastic about getting into the job, you pushed yourself to accomplish the great things you’ve always thought about. You have gone out of the way to blend in with the colleagues. You got into the pace and norm like the rest of them. Their culture seems like your culture. Long hours are normal. A weekend of personal time is luxuries.

It feels almost like jumping into rapids. After struggling for a while to find how it flows, you get comfortable. You are able to start to follow its pace and direction. You follow how the water carries you. Every drop and every bend as if you were a part of this huge movement of water that doesn't stop but just keeps moving, moving and moving!

Three years down the line, you pop your head out of the water. You look around and questions start coming. How did I get here? Is this where I want to be? If I get out of the water now, will I be able to find my ways around?

Sometimes I wonder...

2009-06-08T10:37:00.002+08:00

Why do people have to do peace sign when they want to take a photo?

Why do people wear boots in Malaysia? And no, I do not mean Pua Chu Kang signature yellow boots but leather/ flurry boots.

Why can’t some people speak up or at a very minimal talk? Like do gold really drop off their mouth? Silent really kills me. However they survived amazed me.

Why money does not fall down from the sky?

Why does Monday always come?

Why do I have to work?

Why don’t we have three months holiday like in uni days anymore? We surely worked harder now than in uni days, don’t we deserves them more?

Why is it so hard to find a job your want?

Why do hairstylists always cut my bangs straight?

Why am I so short?

Do you know what is "less than 3"?

2009-05-26T11:10:00.014+08:00

I found out that my sister has a blog. When I checked it out, the first picture I see was my pappy’s photo. The photo is damn funny. When I first look at it on hard copy I nearly fainted – due to obsessive laughter. It was so heavily edited I thought my pappy has travelled the time machine and gone back 30 years. Seriously, you all should check it out at my sister’s blog. I dare not post it up again because my pappy is so killing me if he finds out. At least now only my sister will die. Wahhahaha.. And I will get all her money. Wahhahaha..

Wait. That was not the funniest part when I check out my sister’s blog. So I continued to scroll down and read her blog.. where she talks about her boring life and more boring life.

Then I came across this --> <3

Me: Eh what is negative 3?

Him: Huh?

Me: Oh I mean what is less than 3?

Him: *laughes non-stop he nearly rolled off my bed*

Me: What?!??!!?

He turn the screen 90 degrees and draws out the heart shape using his hand. Gosh. I am so stupid. Wahahahahah.. I laughed so hard my face turned lobster red.

Well, at least now I know.

Quarterly Review pt.1

2009-03-31T01:21:00.002+08:00

Blink blink. It’s already the end of March. One quarter of 2009 gone. So fast. And I thought I was planning what to do for Christmas 2008 just yesterday.

I would not say a lot has changed, since I’m still doing the same old dirty job. Working hours still seems long and weekends still seems wayyyyyyy too short.

I would not say nothing has changed as well. In these three months, I have for the first time,
- Stayed in a hotel all by myself for one whole freaking month already. More to come apparently.
- Traveled in my little car alone. With no one to talk to. No one to help me drive. It’s a little scary at first but I got used to it after an hour or two.
- Eaten alone. All by myself. Okie no big deal for lots of people but big deal for me. Sitting in a mamak stall eating alone, I really feel very alone. The stares make it worst. I cannot eat my nasi kandar without thinking the guy sitting across me is marking me and so going to follow me and kill me when I walk to the car park. But just like driving, I got used to it after a few times.
- Crossed the road alone. I cannot cross road. I always feel that cars will come and bang, I’ll die. I still cannot get used to crossing the road.
- Did banking alone. Nope not online banking. Real banking. Gosh, it was scary okie? People might just come and chop off your hand when all you might be carrying in your purse is merely RM100. Okie. I sound like paranoid psycho bitch. But it is a dangerous world.

Okie. Got to continue working. Continue another day.

What's your level?

2009-03-18T20:34:00.002+08:00

I almost forgot.. it’s my birthday soon. Another year older, another year wiser they claimed. Great. So since I am going to be 25, I should have at least reached level 25 in wise-ness. Hmm.. level 25. I wonder how we measure that.

But wait a minute, what if I don’t feel or think that I am 25. Honestly, when strangers asked how old I am, I always, and I mean ALWAYS, take a second or two to count how old I am. I feel like I’ve left high school not that long ago but when I count, holy cow, it’s been looooong.. So, if I fail to feel 25, does that mean my level of wise-ness also fail? Crap.

For your information, I am not, I repeat, NOT a kiddo. Just because I am shorter than average and on the smaller size, I am still a grown-up :P

Thanksgiving

2008-12-01T12:19:00.004+08:00

When I was in high school, we celebrated thanksgiving every year. Our teachers will tell us to bring something on that day, either handmade or something small from the gifts shop, and give it to our teachers and friends as a token of appreciations. Most of the time, these gifts were handmade as we were on tight budget and also because we had all the time in the world. However, these were also some of the most thoughtful gifts I’ve received. From bookmark to key chain to potpourris to photo fames. I treasure them dearly in a little box in my room.

As times passes by, from college and then to university and then to work field, I’ve slowly and unintentionally forget all about thanksgiving. Not only have I forgotten all about getting gifts to my dear friends and close one, I’ve also from time to time forgot to be thankful for everything that’s around me.

So I’m going to list down everything I am thankful for even though Thanksgiving is over (just in case I forgot about them again):-

I am thankful for my wonderful friends.
Wei – Whom I’ve known for ages. Not only I’ve known you for ages, we’ve been close all these years and I think that is rare. Not everyone I’ve known since primary school is as close as we are today. The bond that we have is something no money in the world can buy.
Babi Wong – Whom I’ve been through so many up and downs with. Though, I’ve not known you since forever, in fact, we only got closer when we are in uni, but you’ve have been there for me and we’ve shared some of our deepest thoughts together.
Ann – Whom I’ve shared some of the craziest moments with. From high school till now, you’ve always managed to me laugh.
Aunty – Whom I’ve managed to learn so many things from. We’ve shared our laughter and also our life/work philosophies. Thanks for offering your balcony to me.
Lil boy – Whom I’ve had plenty of fun gossiping and bitching to. You’ve also managed to gross me to death with some of your stories.
Che – Whom I’ve managed to lean on at times. You’ve took care of me just like how a sister would.

I am thankful for that guy in my life.
You’ve have keep up with all the nonsense I put you through. You’ve made me feel so special; I do not feel a tiny winy bit ordinary with you. You’ve showered me with care and gifts I treasure so much. You’ve also managed to bore me with monotone voice. I am thankful I have you.

I am thankful for my job.
It’s giving me a decent pay. Though I do not really like some part of it because I think it’s really sad but I cannot deny that I like some other part of it. Plus, I am learning something out of it. Something Wei has taught me to be thankful about.

I am thankful for my family.
My simple and modest family members. Thankful I do not have to celebrate my parent’s wedding anniversary in a 5-star hotel with the world watching. Thankful my mummy do not need to dress up in some Hawaiian girl outfit for her 40th birthday. Thankful I am driving a smaller car than my boss. Thankful I can practically park my car anywhere and no one will purposely ruin my car.

I am thankful for the great food I’ve tried and eaten.

I am thankful for the amazing places I’ve visited.

I am thankful for my quick temper and equally quick forgetfulness.

I am thankful for who I am today.

Christmas Mood

2008-11-24T15:22:00.004+08:00

Christmas is one month away. I am excited like hell. I cannot wait for Christmas to come about. I even bought my Christmas dress already. I don’t care. I am going to wear it on Christmas. Even if it means wearing it at home facing the four walls, I must still wear my Christmas dress.

I’ve been humming Christmas songs like a kid for the whole freaking weekend. I got annoyed when shops and eateries don’t play Christmas songs. Why are they playing sad heartbroken songs when it’s such a festive to celebrate?

Frosty the snowman,
was a jolly happy soul,
with a corncob pipe and a button nose,
and two eyes made out of coal…

Ok. You got the idea
I am not a Christian. I just *heart* Christmas.

I am that mad.

Oh-So-Random

2008-09-03T10:59:00.003+08:00

I just got back from my company trip in Phuket. So coincidentally, when we were there, there were some commotions in the Airport. Apparently the local news made quite a hoo-hah about it but honestly, it was rather peaceful in Patong area itself. Shrugs. My daddy was super worried because of the news and he was not able to reach me as my phone ran out of batteries. Amazing how everything can be so coincidental. Hmmp..

I saw someone without her usual make-up one day. Bloody hell. Scared the hell out of me. She looks horrible.

I dreamt that I lost my phone again. Gosh. The feeling is scary man.

Talking about my phone, I was trying to clean up some old messages on my phone the other day and I read some of my old messages. Some people can be very pretentious. So fake that it scares me. Sigh. I am still speechless. I wonder what they feel sometimes.

Talking about dream, I dreamt that He’s going to get married. To his ex-girlfriend. I was so angry in my dream okie? But I think about it now, I think it’s so so so funny. Wahahahha..

He thinks that I have weird dream all the time.

I found out a friend of mine has a blog. Weird blog. So weird. Yet so funny.

I met Dr. Jason’s girlfriend. Hongkies. But she speaks good English. I am impressed. And she’s not stuck up. Nice girl. I like her.

My harddisk sort of crashed. I found out that I actually have 30GB of pictures. Eh, I didn’t take all of them okie? Some I copied from my friends. Some are pure rubbish pictures. Yes, I know, it’s still damn a lot of pictures. And yes I get it. I am full of crap. I know I know.

W.H.Y.

2008-08-05T14:31:00.002+08:00

There are times, like today, that I will ask God the many “whys” I have. Yes I know I do not have a religion and yes I know I am an atheist but believe it or not I believe the existence of God.

And yet, without fail, every single time when I asked a question, I’ll fell really bad after that. How can I be so not thankful? Where have I learned to be so not content?

And I recall the words of my parents, my friends, and everyone that matters to me. And I tell myself, how can I disappoint them? For they have taught me so much. How can I be disappointing the people who matters to me when it was the people who I do not give a shit about who is annoying the hell out of me.

Then I tell myself. Stop whining. Stop it. It’ll be over before you know it.

There are extents where I tell myself, everyone has to go through some down to appreciate the ups in life. Or else life will be monotonous and we would not appreciate the beauty in life.

Of course there’s the usual, it’s okie girl, you are strong. You can handle that.

However I have not stopped asking why. I do not know why. I want it to stop badly for the guilt will hit me hard.

Hope. Faith. Love. I have them. Tell me why I still ache inside.

The Friday Morning

2008-07-04T15:35:00.005+08:00

7.50am – Wake up.
Shit. This is late. Quickly called to wake him up and the run to bathroom.

8.00am – Stone in front of wardrobe.
This is usual. I always do it without knowing it and only come to realized it after three or five minutes has passed.

8.10am – He’s in front of my house.
I’m still not fully dressed. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. Must be the stoning in front of the wardrobe part. DAMN.

8.20am – Hop into car.

8.40am – Reach office.
He called the colleague he’s supposed to pick up to the store. Colleague didn’t answer the phone. I told him to wait for a while and I’ll go up to get him.

8.45am – Put down my bag and saw the colleague he’s supposed to pick up.
I walked over to where colleague was standing. Colleague is in office attire. Colleague is supposed to get to the store (read: colleague is supposed to be in Tshirt and Jeans). This is how our conversation goes,
Me: Hey, how come you are in office attire? (I speak very politely, really)
Colleague: (Ignored me)
Me: I thought in the timetable I sent you, you are supposed to be in store today. (I still speak politely)
Colleague: Nobody tells me anything. (Without looking at me and the tone sound irritated)
Me: What do you mean? The timetable is set. Plus I tried calling you many times yesterday. Which you failed to pick up and also failed return my calls. (I must admit my voice is a little indifferent now. Not rude. Not rising. Just indifferent)
Colleague: I’m busy clearing some stuff yesterday. (Point to screen) Anyway, nobody give me instructions or anything or what to do. (Without looking at me and tone sound irritated STILL)
Me: Well, if you answer or return my calls, I would be able to tell you right? Plus the team is already in the store. (Me stating the obvious to a dumb ass. read: my voice is already starting to rise)
Colleague: I’m busy clearing some stuff yesterday. (He repeated in annoyance as if he’s the one talking to a dumb ass)
Me: Fine. Let me know when you are free then. (Voice rise, obviously)
Colleague: (Ignored me again)

8.55am – Call him and tell him not to wait.

9.00am – Walk to staircase. Call Auntie and tell her what happened. This is how our conversation goes,
Me: Colleague not coming.
Auntie: Why?
Me: (Explain the whole conversation)
Auntie: So you get stressed up every morning?
Me: Yea. Sorta
Auntie: Rise. Rise. Rise. (I heard her smile as she says this)
Me: He’s ignoring me.
Auntie: You only la.. (I heard her snicker as she says this)
Me: Yea okie. Got to go. (I hung up the phone)

9.10am – Call him again.
He picked up and at the same time, tears are streaming down. Then I started crying uncontrollably. So much that I don’t even understand what I am saying. So much that I’m sure my make-up will be gone. So much that I think everyone who sees me later is going to know that I’m a cry baby. Yet I can’t seem to stop crying.
I do not know why I am so upset. Is it the part where I did not get the respect I deserves as a human? Or the part where I get no cooperation from everyone? Or the part where I can’t seem to finish this job? Or the part where I can’t do a simple (that’s what everyone thinks) admin job? Or the part where I felt like a total absolute loser? Or the part that I felt that if I cannot do an admin job, how can I do an audit job well? Or is it I’m not even upset? Maybe I’m simply frustrated. Boiled up till I cried?
Whatever it is. I do not know why I reacted this way. I am not a cry baby. I do not cracked under pressure. I am strong. I yelled I screamed but crying is not my thing. I don’t cry right? I am so strong. Right? Right? Right?

9.20am – I call Auntie back because I hear a beep of incoming call just now.
Auntie picked up the phone and yelled at me for hanging up her call just now. I simply denied it and try not to sound shaky. Wrong move. Everyone knows I talk more that a simple “Yes” or “No”. So she continues talking to me and shakier my voice become. And yes. I continued crying. She knows I cried. I’m screwed. So screwed.

There you go. The Friday morning I screwed.

Thank you for hearing me cry. Hugs.

Karma

2008-07-01T15:48:00.005+08:00

Karma. It has its way back at you. Almost certain.

Something happened. Something I laughed and criticized about when it happens to other people. Something I tell the people around me how disgusting and annoying it is. The same thing I thought it will never happen to me. The same thing I thought will never happen to my friends.

But it does. It happened. Images and the thought of it have been replaying in my bloody head the whole day. I cannot get it out of my head. I see flash images now and then. And when I do not see images I heard voices. I get disgusted as every minute passed by. There are a few time that I get nauseous when I see a slightly clearer image. I cannot concentrate. I cannot focus.

I do not even know who to tell. Hence I am writing it down hoping it will stay here. And out of my mind. When I got to know about it, I was so shocked and disgusted I do not even know who to call. Who to talk to. I just dial. The person I was talking to before that. He’s not my closest friend. He’s not my boyfriend. He’s not my family. Weird. So weird.

Yet I am not angry. I am not disappointed. I am not bitter. Actually, I do not even know what I am feeling.

I am speechless.

Yucks!

Why Do We Have 26 Alphabets?

2008-06-17T23:17:00.004+08:00

Alphabets make me angry.
Alphabets make me bawl.
Alphabets make me cuckoo.
Alphabets make me depressed.
Alphabets make me excruciating.

Alphabets make me faint.
Alphabets make me grumpy.
Alphabets make me horrific.
Alphabets make me ill-tempered.
Alphabets make me jumpy.

Alphabets make me KO.
Alphabets make me livid.
Alphabets make me miserable.
Alphabets make me nuts.
Alphabets make me work overtime.

Alphabets make me puke.
Alphabets make me quiet.
Alphabets make me rant and rave.
Alphabets make me speechless.
Alphabets make me tumble.

Alphabets make me unbearable.
Alphabets make me vulnerable.
Alphabets make me worry.
Alphabets make me X.
Alphabets make me yell.
Alphabets make me zombie.

My job is soooooooooo FUN! Yay!

2008-06-04T11:11:00.023+08:00

Disclaimer: The story you are about to read was created based on my imagination and is not suitable for those self adsorbed. You have been warned.

I work in a modeling agency. I am surrounded by beautiful people. Girls with legs that reached their neck and guys with eyes so sexy that will make me faint by simply looking at them.

Our Public Relation Director is the coolest women I’ve ever met. She walks into the office at 12pm everyday (while my boss comes in round 8.30am) and everyone else sort of has to bow at her. She even has a private jet to bring her to everywhere she wants to go. And of course she’s sleeping with the hottest model around. Rumor has it that she’s also sleeping with another hottie from another modeling agency. Hmmp.. I guess that’s what PR is all about.

Our Fashion Police Department is lead by the moodiest guy I’ve ever met. Geez.. I thought only girls PMS. This guy PMS 24/7. His mood swing has actually caused this girl to cry once when all the girl wanted to do was to do her job. Poor girl. Apparently, he’s even harsher to guys. I heard he kicked this guy out of the company because he wears the same beige pants for two days in a row. Sigh. I never want to be near him. Just in case he roars.

Our Bimbo Director (yes we have a Bimbo Department) is of course the most bimbo women I’ve ever met. The position says it all.

We even have a bar in our office. And of course we need a bartender for that. But our bartender prefer to be called a mixologist. Ok, whatever makes you happy mate! He has this thing against the CCC. He once made this cocktail for a CCC that caused ugly blonde streaks on her hair. But no worries, the CCC thought it was so cool that she’s made no effort to look for a remedy. Well, what do you expect from a CCC. Thank God I’m not one of them or how am I going to get my daily fix of orange juice everyday. Hehehe..

My job is soooooooooo FUN! Yay!

This entry is to be continued as I am lazy to type now.

I Have No Freaking Idea

2008-06-02T16:00:00.005+08:00

One of the few things I find it really hard to do is to say sorry. “I’m sorry.” The words just won’t come. I’m not talking about those “I’m sorry I accidentally knocked onto you” kind of sorry. I am talking about those “serious sorry”.

I have no idea why. Would it be my ego? Or would it be my stubbornness? Or would it be my… I have no freaking idea.

Sigh. I am not proud of it. I am learning. Please bear with me.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps

2008-05-16T16:14:00.007+08:00

Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll be driving around in an expensive imported car,
But today I’m being driven around in a local car,

Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll be seeing wonders of the world,
But today I’m seeing wonders of Penang,

Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll inherit millions of dollars,
But today I’m making a living all by myself,

Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll be able to wash the dishes, clean the table,
But today I've got him to do the honor,

Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll be spoilt with designer goods,
But today I’ve decent clothing to put on everyday,

Perhaps tomorrow, we’ll be skipping round Disneyland Florida,
But today we’ll skips around Disneyland Hong Kong,

Perhaps tomorrow, we’ll be cuddling inside while it snows outside,
But today we’ll just cuddle while the air con is blasting,

Perhaps tomorrow, we’ll quarrel less and appreciate each other more,
But today we’ll just laughed ourselves silly over what we’ve quarrel about.

Yesterday is History.Tomorrow is a Mystery, and Today is a gift.
That's why we call it the Present.

Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

Self reflect, I should.

2008-05-12T13:38:00.003+08:00

Honestly, do I really have the I-am-a-bitch-full-stop look?

I am pretty sure it is not the way I looked because some people actually commented that I look sweet. Okie. Choke all you want Lil Boy.

Now that I even quit smoking, I am pretty sure I don’t look like a bitch. Don’t get me wrong. I do not associate smoking with bitches. Just that I realized lots of people does. They stereotyped smokers, especially girl smokers.

So, it must be the way I talked. It is my sarcasms? Or is it my thunder-loud voice? Or the way I say it? Or how I snapped at others?

At times, I am simply being cheeky. At times, I can’t help sounding louder than I am supposed to. At time, I am having a bad mood. At times, I am simply being frank. Sigh.

I’m not a bitch. I am difficult I admit. But I am not a bitch.

Self reflect, I should.

Those Three Words

2008-05-09T15:59:00.004+08:00

Me: Eh.. US dollars drop ah?
Him: Err.. I don’t know.
Me: Well, go find out.
Him: …

Typical.

How often do you use those three words - “I don’t know”?

Is it because we really do not know the answer to the question or it is simply because we are too lazy to be bothered. Well, I don’t know :)

Contentment

2008-05-08T15:23:00.003+08:00

I am happy and content. That's all that matters.